is it a lack of confidence?

i never wanted to come off as self-righteous; and i don't think i did. but somewhere along the way this fear paralyzed my writing. i became so incredibly self-conscious and worried about offending other parties that i just stopped writing.

that isn't entirely true - i stopped publishing the online magazine i wrote because i ran out of time and my father deleted AOL when i left for college. but i had a blog and i continued to write on this blog until someone left a comment that left me feeling completely defeated.

the comment called me out for whining. upon more recollection i realized that if you can't whine anonymously online, where can you whine? i don't want my views to be interpreted as whining though because that somehow negates them instead of leaving me with the validating feeling you seek when you write down your thoughts.

i appreciate that i can change font and color at any point in my entry. that lends to what i want this to be - a rebirth of that online magazine i loved so much. 'yoda' was what it was called. not just because yoda was my favorite star wars character and it wasn't a name anyone else would think to use - but because yoda was a wise, sage character. i don't claim to be wise - but i'm seeking wisdom.

sometimes i'm fairly positive that the three cats i live with are plotting something. some sort of coup. one of them is definitely the ring leader - flynnerton (real name flynn). my cat, the sneak (real name josaphine), is the stealth spy. you can be sitting on the couch reading, watching TV, eating... and be all by yourself. between the time you sit down and the time you accomplish your task she has tiptoed to your side and before you've even noticed her - she's fallen asleep.

"come and i'll take you under
this beautiful bruise's colors"
i'm non-confrontational when i lack the confidence to defend my stance. that hardly ever coincides with the verity of my argument. this stems from childhood relationships as well as my first love. i'm a person with a big heart and i'm very giving - to a fault. it is very easy for me to be manipulated and/or taken advantage of. and so , no matter where i've been in life, i've found this foo fighters lyric applicable to who i am. i don't think i'm a damaged person; i think i'm a beautiful person with scars.

i honestly think (looking back now) that my first love stole my virginity from me. and i'm not trying to speak metaphorically. i repeatedly told him i wasn't ready. we fooled around a lot, and for him it was torture. he'd been with dozens of girls and i'd never been with anyone. (i had naively asked him how many people he'd been with, a question i will now never ask again.) i wouldn't consider what happened rape because i was happily engaging in what was going on - but the simple fact is he proceeded further than i wanted him to without my permission. i don't know why this has suddenly come back to bother me all these years later... i cried myself to sleep that night (ironically in his arms) for something i thought was my fault. and that was to become a theme in our relationship. everything was my fault.

i'm now in a happy relationship. it's only been three months - we're just now emerging from the "cocoon" phase of the relationship... and i think we're handling that pretty well. i know i'm at least handling it better than i have in the past. the only problem is, i'm still horrible at communicating. i've told him that the relationship with my ex was bad and i think i went into a fair amount of detail (he did the same)... but situations arise where i think elaboration is required. i'm not sure how to go about this though. do i say "this made me upset because he used to do it" or do i wait for an opportunity where we're just chatting and explain my lack of self-confidence and how warped my view of sex is? (the warped view of sex stems more from my ex refusing to have sex with me when i wanted and only having sex with me when it suited him. also from him telling me that he stopped having sex with me because he no longer found me attractive - making it difficult for me to separate those two facts: obviously if my beau doesn't want to have sex with me it means he no longer finds me attractive. i think this leads me to be more needy/desperate - and i hate that.)


this has been a rather personal post and not what i really intend for this journal/blog to be about. but i often find that i cannot write or focus on other things until i get emotional quandaries somewhat resolved - or at least semi-removed from my thoughts.